13-28th July 2011

This has been an enjoyable trip, i think i am a changed self and not the usual self that i am in Singapore. The different side of me in Singapore is so cold, so hard to approach, so withdrawn away from people. Maybe it is true that i have not seen many sides in life. I really do hope to have close friends, friends that i can really share my sorrows outside of church.

Through this trip, somehow within me, there is a stir, a urge to do something for community. I guess my dream of giving scholarship has not vanished. It is still there in my heart. I am so glad that i get to know a buddy, having the thought that she will just be a passer-by in my life, just get to know her during the trip and thats all, and that marks the end of friendship, a friendship for 16days.
Maybe something that HuiShan has found out about me, the fear to commit to friendship cause ultimately, friends will just leave you. Not feeling less confident about myself but i don't want to feel sad just because i have once been close and now so distance away from people.

As days goes by, it just get harder and harder to control my emotions, my emotions of wanting to go back to the village, the wanting to be friends with everyone. It is just hard to manage.


Something that i have learn during the 12 days in the village:
1) Simplicity
2) Happiness that even the smallest things could make them smile (Baboi- pig in taglog) I saw the whole process of how a pig is being slaughtered and how it is being grilled and how it is being served onto my dinning table where the villagers came and enjoyed the feast on the very last day.
3) Go the extra mile, i have been placed into a host family- Ate Annie and Kye Ronna with Roann. They have been treating me, a stranger with such good care. It is quite hard to find someone to treat a stranger with such tender care without any hesitation. Something that i can't find in Singapore, i am touched because of such acts. They have shown me so much.
Even when we have not finished what we have started, the villagers were touched as it has been said, "even the smallest thing that you do, it is able to touch the lives of others."
4) Unconditional love
Love to cook for us, the love to take good care of us, ensuring that we are safe, healthy. It is quite funny to keeping hearing people saying, "man, i need to shit now!", "I need a toilet, i need to LS!" It is quite a joke but as days goes by, karma hits me, i am suffering during R&R trip where i have rashes on both of my hands. Not knowing that it will become so serious, i keep ignoring it when I am in the village.

I do not know what will i become when I am back in Singapore, having these memories in my head, feelings in my heart towards the villagers. Somehow, i am not quite attached yet to the villagers. I did not really felt that it was hard to depart, or maybe, that was not the worst depart i ever got in my life.
Upon sharing my life journal with Project Hope II mates, I cried because i miss my daddy very much. I have stopped thinking about my dad for very long and now, the feelings of a lost dad make me sad.

This trip is enriching, a trip to really know myself, to be able to be true to myself, how i feel, what i think, to keep reflecting upon my own life. So much things that i need to change that i do not know if i can keep it going when I am in Singapore, a changed person. Finding the true self, behaving like someone else, someone so strong on the appearance but so vulnerable inside, not wanting others to know about it. It is sometimes hard to just be like this.

So much things in my mind, so many reflection that i have upon myself.